Airbags

My parents have always been quick to trade in a car. I remember one time we got a new car because my dad had taken the car to the dealership for an oil change, and while he was waiting found a new one. It was a cherry red Bonneville. I remember the first day he dropped me off to junior high in it. I got out of the car and this girl "R" was standing there. "R" had big boobs. Looking back, they weren't THAT big. She just had boobs when the other girls really didn't yet. Anyways, her boobs kind of made her cool. So she says, "Wow, that is a nice car. Y'all must be rich." I saw this as a golden opportunity. Not sure exactly what I said but pretty sure it went something like this, "Why yes, we are. Very." She had a lot of questions about the car. I answered to the best of my knowledge. Then she says, "Does it have airbags?" It did have airbags so I tell her yes. "Oh, airbags scare me. I've heard that when they come out they can mess your face up," she replies. DARN. I had blown it. This was my chance to get in with the cool crowd and I had totally ruined it by telling her the truth. Maybe my parents next car wouldn't have airbags. Who would have thought a middle school girl would have such a strong opinion about airbags anyways?

I remember another encounter with "R." We had gym together one year. We had to weigh for some reason. Her and her friend were "totally like OMG" about me weighing 75 lbs. They told me they "wished they could weigh 75 pounds." Let me just set the record straight. They were both around 100 pounds. I would have totally killed to weigh 100 pounds. They both had bras. Real bras. Mine was more of a technicality than a necessity. This was the first time I realized girls are strange and always wish they were something else.

Dream Big

When I was little, I had a few career goals that were anything but typical. Since I loved pulling hair out of the drains, I thought plumbing might be my calling. I really appreciated the Wal-Mart checker and would always pretend to be one. Ironically enough, I loathe the self check out now. My third dream job was the fabric cutter lady at Cloth World. I loved the way she rolled out the cloth on the huge table and cut it. What a job that would be!

Long before the Kardashians made a fortune off pretending to be good at stuff, I like to think I invented that mind set. During the Olympics one year, I decided I was going to be an Olympic gymnast. There were several major set backs for me. Most importantly, I had zero gymnastic ability or training. I could not even do a flip. Another set back would be my build. I would not say I have a gymnast's build. None of this mattered because it was going to happen for me. The weirdest thing is I never really did anything outwardly to achieve my goal. I just thought about it really hard for a few weeks. Once the Olympics were over and nothing happened I figured I would give up.

If I couldn't be in the summer Olympics, why couldn't I be in the winter ones? Figure skating seemed to be a perfect fit for me. I had plenty of roller blading in my garage experience. I couldn't jump up or do any tricks, but I could imagine I was doing them. I had never skated on ice either. I had my whole short program worked out in my brain. Me in a flashy one piece dancing to "What a Man" by Salt- n- Pepa. Luckily, I have the movie Blades of Glory to watch and know how that would have turned out.

After I quit thinking about being the next Nancy Karrigan, I decided my true calling was acting. I actually put forth some effort in making this happen. I told my mother I wanted to act. She talked to the local little theater. They were going to send me something in the mail. I waited. I was so excited. I just knew they were sending me a script. I would be playing the leading role. I was greatly disappointed when I received the newsletter with audition dates on it. Audition? This dream was over.

My house. My Rules.

It surprises me that anyone who came over to spend the night at my house once would ever come back a second time. I liked people coming to my house because I could be in charge. There were a lot of mandatory activities that took place when someone spent the night with me. If you ever visited my house during the 90's , you know that I ate outrageous amounts of Velveeta cheese dip. I loved it so much that I wanted everyone to love it. Depending on the era, I also had mandatory activities planned. Here are a few of the different activities:

• School- Let's play school, but I am going to be the teacher, and the only one who can write on the make shift overhead projector.
• Barbies- Let's play barbies, but you have to be Ken, and you have to push me down the spiral stair case (or wreck my Ferrari) so that I can make toilet paper casts to put on all my limbs.
• Rollerblading- Let's roller blade in my garage to some audio tape of my choice. Oh you think it is either too hot or to cold in the garage? Tough!! Suit up.
• Hanson videos- Let's watch this VHS I have recorded all Hanson's TV appearances on. That will be fun.
• Record our own videos- Let's make videos. I will write, direct, star, and you can co-star and say what I tell you to.

I wasn't always super eager to spend the night with anyone. I knew that I would be in their domain. They may not have Velveeta. There were a few places that stick out in my mind of places I felt comfortable:

• P&D's house spending the night with their daughter J. It was always a good time. I liked the floor plan of their house. It made for a nice stay. They also had a mysterious cat that made me feel like I should sleep with one eye open.
• There was my best friend's house. She had a cool room because it attached to the garage that was converted into a small room. She had more VHS tapes than I had ever seen in my life. She also gave good back rubs. She also had the smallest/scariest dog I've ever known.
• There was my aunt's house. It was super fun. She would pick me and my sister up in her old school bronco. We would go to the store and pick out all the junk food we could dream of. We would go straight for the frozen snicker bars, Cheetos, etc. etc. I remember literally leaving her house one time throwing up because I had eaten so many tater tots.
• There was some family friends' house. J&D's house was the homiest place I'd ever been. To this day I think it is probably the homiest house there is. There was just something about it that made you want to curl up on the couch and drink hot cocoa. I would spend the night there when my parents needed me to go away for the night for sanity purposes.

There were other friends' houses I enjoyed too. I was always the person that always tried to get people to come to my house first. If all else failed, I would pack my bags and go.

Crooked as a Question Mark

My sister was the "pretty one." It was comical how many times people would come up and this situation would play out:

Person to Sister: "Oh, you are soooooo pretty."

Sister: "thanks!"

Person: (turning to me with a look of something less than excitement) "Hello." (Sometimes the "hello " would be "You have gotten tall," "You are so tall," "My goodness you are tall.")

As an adult I start to sort of see where all this came from. My sister was normal. She didn't have any strange objects stuck to her body in an effort to straighten anything out. I had an unfortunate set of teeth as a child. I could not even close my mouth. Picture day was always a huge let down. Retakes was just the day I strove to look good. I always knew it was coming, me in the room with all the kids that were sick on original picture day. One year I thought I looked especially stylish in my Simpson's sweater. Not sweatshirt. Sweater. I gave my best smile and the picture lady,or "self-esteem assassin" as I call her, said "maybe you should smile with your mouth closed." With my teeth playing peek- a -boo out of my lips, I embarrassingly said "I am."

My teeth were not the only things out of alignment. I had scoliosis. I had to wear a back brace for a while. Although I wore it under my clothes, it was still incredibly stupid! I even had to take it with me to church camp. I remember trying to figure out how I could hide it in my suitcase. I remember staying home the summer when I first got it. I would stay home in my back brace painting magnets all day. Yeah. That entire sentence sums up my coolness. I finally had back surgery to correct the problem.

After the surgery I got a different brace to wear. I remember being in a class that was mostly made up of cool kids. Some of the guys were tossing around a cat toy. It was a mouse or something that had a metal ball that jingled in it. I remember hearing someone shout "duck." I instantly quipped "I can't" as the cat toy struck me in the forehead. All the kids laughed. They pointed at me and laughed so hard they had to hold their stomachs. Actually, that last part is not true. That is what I FELT had happened. They might as well have poured blood on my head after they jokingly voted me prom queen. While there was laughter, there was nothing devious about it. It was all good, but I was mortified.